Adventures of Grocery Shopping with Children

Around the time that I stopped fitting in at Starbucks "stopping at Target for paper towels" became an hour of wielding an enormous cart that should require a driver's license to operate, a half hour of sitting in the fitting room nursing, and saying, "Aiden, put that back" a minimum of fifty times. One of the many things that I have learned since having children is that nothing is every quick and stopping somewhere means spending a minimum of an hour at said place. Okay, that is two things. Everything takes planning, and don't forget diapers, wipes, a nursing wrap, snacks, toys, or your wallet. I have obviously never forgotten any such items.

If you don't think a simple task such as grocery shopping requires a survival plan, you have never had children, in which case you are probably not reading this in the first place. If you are reading this while your live-in nanny is locked in the basement with the kids, you can leave now. I am sure you have a pedicure to get to.

Okay, now that they are gone, I will share with you my own personal grocery shopping survival rules. I am opened to further tips. Here it goes:

Grocery Shopping with Kids Survival Guide

1. Know your kid friendly stores. Jewel is not one of them. For those of you residing outside of the Midwest, Jewel is an overpriced version of every other grocery store. If you want to pay 5.69 for a loaf of Wonder Bread, by all means shop there. I usually choose Trader Joes, which has mini carts for the kids to "help" with shopping, or Target which has carts large enough to seat an entire preschool.

2. Go at a time least likely to produce melt downs. In other words, not at 4:00 P.M. when your preschooler is hungry only for cookies and you ran out of patience five hours ago. Now that I learned this the hard way.

3. Accept the fact that you will buy at least three items that you do not need because you will get tired of putting things back on the shelf after your child has hurled them into the cart. I hope you like chili lime dusted nuts.

4. Try to avoid the bathroom. Enough said.

5. If necessary, scout out places to discreetly nurse before you need them, and come up with a snide response for the employee that asks, "Can't you do THAT in the bathroom?".

6. Just by the damn chocolate chip cookies.

7. When your baby starts wailing and concerned onlookers start giving you the eye, say something smart ass like, "I wish this thing had an off switch!"

8. When people ask, "Aww, how is he sleeping? Are you getting any rest? You look tired." try to resist throwing a tub of cream cheese at them. They mean well.

9. Let your toddler help throw things on the belt and don't be too shy to ask the checkout clerk for a sticker. And something for your child.

10. If you only spend two hours in the store, you all get home alive, and the groceries make it from the car to the house to the cabinets/fridge sometime before bed you have succeeded. Congratulations.

Happy shopping!