Age Old Annoyance

I have covered the fact that I no longer fit in a Starbucks and the changes becoming a mother will make to your definition of “stopping at the store”. The next often unexpected, almost universal, and highly annoying change motherhood will bring is one of the most unpleasant. This phenomenon is even more unpleasant that blowout diapers, projectile spit up, 3:00 A.M. wake up calls, and pen on the walls put together. Here it goes: when you become a mother everyone will be in your business and complete strangers who just laid eyes on your child five seconds ago will be able to tell you exactly where you went wrong and how to fix it. We have all been on the receiving end of a few dirty looks when our baby lets out a shriek in the middle of mass or our toddle throws himself on the floor in the front of a crowded Babies R Us (more on that later). Unless you drug your kids and/or stay locked in your house for the first eighteen years of their lives you have to learn to ignore those looks and go about your life.  It is much more difficult (although not impossible) to ignore commentary.

We mothers are up against a lot these days. Before you have even decorated the nursery everyone has an opinion on what you should do with your child and how you can be the best mother. Breastfeed, bottle feed, co sleep, cry it out, go to work, stay home, holding your baby will spoil him, putting your baby down will lead to an attachment disorder….. Is your head spinning yet? When well meaning advice comes from family and friends it can be slightly irritating but understandable and sometimes even desired. When random strangers decided to advise or even scold a sleep deprived mother holding a fresh cup of hot coffee, well, things could get ugly.

I had such an experience just the other day at Aiden’s preschool. I signed Aiden out of class and he immediately asked for an apple. Being a good mom who likes to promote healthy eating I took him upstairs to the cafeteria to purchase said apple. Coincidentally this same cafeteria also sells a variety of coffee products, but that is beside the point. Since my full time live in trilingual nanny is in Europe (aka my imagination) I also had Elliott. I am holding a quiet but awake Elliott while Aiden chomps into his apple. Out of nowhere an elderly lady swoops in, gets in Elliott’s face and tells him he is sooo cute. Harmless, right? Then she comments that he looks tired to which I politely respond, “Mmmhmmm, he is getting tired”. Then the lady moves even CLOSER to Elliott (pet peeve alert: people who have no concept of personal space) and says, “Ohhh, you poor little thing! That is sooo mean and wrong of your mommy to drag you all over town when you are sooo tired!”. 

Seriously lady? How do I even respond to that? 

First of all, I am at a preschool at three in the afternoon, not a crack house at eleven P.M. Secondly, I think picking my son up from preschool is slightly better parenting then, say, abandoning him there. Thirdly, I am not sure that driving to preschool counts as running all over town. I had no response in the moment, however. What would you have said? In hindsight I could have turned to the man accompanying her and said, “It is so wrong of your mean wife to embarrass you in public”. I also could have said, “Oh don’t worry, this is our last stop before hitting the casinos. The slot machines always put him to sleep”. I have to get better at thinking on my feet. This was not the first comment I have received from a stranger and it won’t be the last, so I am sure I will get my chance to practice.  For now I have to get Aiden from preschool. On second thought, maybe I will just leave him there today. He always wants to push the buttons on the slot machines.

Pregnancy 101

Four years ago I was sitting in my gynecologist’s office listening to her tell me I would probably not be able to get pregnant on my own. Well, technically no one can get pregnant on her own, but I got the message. Three months after that appointment I was staring at two pink lines on a pregnancy test. During the following ten months I would eat countless boxes of macaroni and cheese, learn that morning sickness is a misnomer, and throw the television remote at my husband's head. Hey, I did not turn into a hormonal, human growing mess "on my own".

Although my pregnancy was a surprise I had always dreamed of being a mother. I took joy in the birth of my nephew and nieces and lived vicariously through my sister in law during her pregnancies. During college I worked as a nanny for adorable, vivacious twin toddlers who still hold a special place in my heart. Clearly, watching someone else's pregnancy and taking care of someone else's kids made me an expert in all things pregnancy and child rearing.*(Cue laugh track) I would later discover that I am not a child development expert and one day it would be MY KID kicking and screaming on the floor of Babies R Us, but more on in a soon-to-be released.  I bet you can’t wait.

Just as I had my own idea of how motherhood would look, I also had dream like images of pregnancy: a growing belly, the pregnancy glow that everyone talks about (which is actually caused by the excessive sweat produced when one is trying not to throw up), giddy joy, and an excuse to eat gluttonous amounts of pasta. Pregnancy was all of those thing and more. Much, much more. The most thrilling moment of my life was seeing those lines on the pregnancy test. From that moment on, I devoured every pregnancy magazine and book in print (it turns out What To Expect When Your Expecting does not tell you to expect hormonal rage that may put your husband and any objects in close proximity in danger). I looked at baby clothes and tried out different baby names. I bought maternity clothes weeks before I actually needed them because it would just be so exciting to grow a belly and not be able to fit into my normal clothes! Soon enough I realized that wearing jeans with a band that came up to my bra was less than comfortable.

During my magazine reading and macaroni and cheese eating I was also doing something else: I was worrying. I was also throwing up excessively but you probably would rather not hear about that. During the whole first trimester I worried about miscarriage. I figured I would stop worrying once I made the notorious twelve week milestone. I did not. I worried about the beers I drank before I knew that I was pregnant, I worried about birth defects, I worried that ingesting the fumes from pumping gas would cause my baby to be born with two heads. I worried that I would get listeria by driving past Subway. Finally, I worried about my worrying because stress must be bad for a growing fetus. I wish I were exaggerating.

The nurse at my OBGYN's office was unable to suppress a sigh while fielding my phone calls and answering perfectly reasonable questions such as, "I just read online that sialic acid causes birth defects and I have been using face wash containing sialic acid for this ENTIRE PREGNANCY! Will my baby be okay?" and "I have a weird stomach ache. Should I be worried?" You would think that I would worry less the second time around, but much to the chagrin of my OBGYN's office, this was not to be the case. In my defense I graduated to more sophisticated questions such as, "I am having weird abdominal pain, should I be worried?", and, "I think the plumber used toxic glue to secure my pipes. Do I have to move?!" Okay, I didn't really ask that. In spite of all of my worrying, Elliott turned out just find and the extra arm is actually quite useful. Kidding! Although maybe moms should grow an extra arm. That would be a much more useful side effect of pregnancy. I could definitely use a third arm when I am maneuvering a stroller and a shopping cart while wearing my baby who refuses to ride in said stroller, and trying to keep my three year old from "accidentally" knocking things off the shelves and throwing random useless items in the cart, like the chili lime mixed nuts that I didn't notice until I got home and unloaded my groceries. (Kindly direct your attention here for more on those trials and tribulations:  http://workdayofsahm.blogspot.com/2013/04/adventures-of-grocery-shopping-with.html)

Anyway, I learned that pregnancy is growing and changing, planning and worrying, battling nausea and dealing with gestational diabetes (so much for my gluttonous pasta eating). Pregnancy is just the beginning, and it is all worth it. Of course, it is possible that I am still high from the toxic plumber's glue.